Growing up with an absent parent can instill a deep sense of loss and shame in kids, especially when the absence appears to be voluntary. For some kids, abandonment extends beyond a parent's failure to support the child financially, and includes the failure to communicate with the child or play an active role in the child's life. Sadly, parental abandonment, and its effects, often leave children with lingering questions about their own self worth. Fortunately, as the remaining parent, there's a lot you can do to support your child and build his or her self-esteem.
As a parent who's involved, you have a huge opportunity to influence your child's self-esteem and cope with the other parent's absence by being alert to the following effects of child abandonment:
Children who've been abandoned may reject everything about the absent parent: In some cases, children who have been abandoned by one parent will make an effort to completely reject him or her. You'll see this when a child expresses the desire to be the exact opposite of the absent parent.
What You Can Do:
Affirm your child's own unique qualities.
Allow your child to share his or her thoughts and opinions.
Instead of arguing over your child's rejection of the absent parent, simply respond with a benign statement, such as "I can understand why you might feel that way right now."
Children with abandonment issues may idealize the absent parent: Some children may over-identify with the absent parent and develop a set of fantasies about him or her which - although they may provide temporary comfort - are not be based in reality.
What You Can Do:
Allow your child to freely verbalize his or her memories of the absent parent.
Avoid the temptation to correct your child's recollections.
Ask open-ended questions to help your child articulate additional details related to his or her memories.
Children with abandonment issues may develop poor self-esteem: Children who have experienced parental abandonment may also be prone to developing poor self-esteem and a sense of shame surrounding the parent's absence. They may even question whether they could have contributed to the absence, whether they somehow "deserved" to be abandoned, or whether the absent parent believes he or she is better off without the "burden" of a child.
What You Can Do:
Be very clear in telling your child, repeatedly, that he or she is not at fault.
Be specific when you praise your child.
Provide opportunities for your child to develop relationships with other adults, whom you trust, who can also convey genuine, positive messages about your child's abilities, character, and contribution to others. Tip: Find a mentor for your child.
Children with abandonment issues may have difficulty expressing their emotions: Children who have experienced parental abandonment may also have difficulty sharing their feelings. They tend to keep their emotions bottled up and lack the trust necessary to share their true selves with others.
What You Can Do:
When your child does express his emotions, affirm that you still love him - even when he's angry, sad, or frustrated.
Tip: Write your child a letter.
Be trustworthy. Make a special effort not to share your child's confidences with friends, family members, and acquaintances.
Provide regular opportunities to connect with your child, creating an atmosphere where he or she will be free to open up when the time is right.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
How Do You Help Your Child Cope When Custody Visitation Plans Are Canceled?
I raised 4 children without their daddys taking an active part in their lives. It was so hard for me to tell them that he was not coming or I always seemed to be making things up to cover for him. My heart would just break for them. Eventually I stopped telling them anything at all.
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Picture this: It's 5:30 on Friday evening, and your kids are excitedly waiting by the front door for your ex to arrive for their weekend visit. No phone call nothing!
Let's face it. The co-parenting family that doesn't have this experience once in a while is pretty rare. But the sheer fact that, in life, "things come up," doesn't make it any easier for you or your kids.
So, when this happens, how do you typically handle it? What have you learned to say or do? What has been particularly helpful for your kids?
Unfortunately, custody visitation plans aren't always written in stone. Things come up, plans change--and, in the process, little hearts get broken. When this has happened to your child--either because custody visitation plans were changed for a legitimate reason, or because the other parent has become a repetitive "no show," what have you learned to say or do what has been particularly helpful for your child?
Share your thoughts by leaving a comment below
*********
Picture this: It's 5:30 on Friday evening, and your kids are excitedly waiting by the front door for your ex to arrive for their weekend visit. No phone call nothing!
Let's face it. The co-parenting family that doesn't have this experience once in a while is pretty rare. But the sheer fact that, in life, "things come up," doesn't make it any easier for you or your kids.
So, when this happens, how do you typically handle it? What have you learned to say or do? What has been particularly helpful for your kids?
Unfortunately, custody visitation plans aren't always written in stone. Things come up, plans change--and, in the process, little hearts get broken. When this has happened to your child--either because custody visitation plans were changed for a legitimate reason, or because the other parent has become a repetitive "no show," what have you learned to say or do what has been particularly helpful for your child?
Share your thoughts by leaving a comment below
Monday, July 20, 2009
Effects of Abandonment in Children
Effects of Abandonment in Children
Abandonment refers a parent's choice to have no role in his/her child's life. This includes failure to support the child financially, as well as failure to communicate with the child or have any type of active role in the child's life. Sadly, parental abandonment leaves a child with lingering questions about his or her own self worth. As the remaining parent, you can have a huge impact on your child's self-esteem and ability to cope with the absence of the other parent by being alert to the following effects of abandonment:
Children who have been abandoned may reject everything about the absent parent: In some cases, children who have been abandoned by one parent will make an effort to completely reject him or her. You'll see this when a child expresses the desire to be the exact opposite of the absent parent.
What You Can Do:
Affirm your child's own unique qualities.
Allow your child to share his or her thoughts and opinions.
Instead of arguing over your child's rejection of the absent parent, simply respond with a benign statement, such as "I can understand why you might feel that way right now."
Children who have been abandoned may idealize the absent parent: Some children may over-identify with the absent parent and develop a set of fantasies about him or her which - although they may provide temporary comfort - are not be based in reality.
What You Can Do:
Allow your child to freely verbalize his or her memories of the absent parent.
Avoid the temptation to correct your child's recollections.
Ask open-ended questions to help your child articulate additional details related to his or her memories.
Children who have been abandoned may develop poor self-esteem: Children who have experienced parental abandonment may also be prone to developing poor self-esteem and a sense of shame surrounding the parent's absence. They may even question whether they could have contributed to the absence, whether they somehow "deserved" to be abandoned, or whether the absent parent believes he or she is better off without the "burden" of a child.
What You Can Do:
Be very clear in telling your child, repeatedly, that he or she is not at fault.
Be specific when you praise your child.
Provide opportunities for your child to develop relationships with other adults, whom you trust, who can also convey genuine, positive messages about your child's abilities, character, and contribution to others.
Children who have been abandoned may have difficulty expressing their emotions: Children who have experienced parental abandonment may also have difficulty sharing their feelings. They tend to keep their emotions bottled up and lack the trust necessary to share their true selves with others.
What You Can Do:
When your child does express an emotion, affirm that you still love him - even when he's angry, sad, or frustrated.
Be trustworthy. Make a special effort not to share your child's confidences with friends and acquaintances.
Provide regular opportunities to connect with your child, creating an atmosphere where he or she will be free to open up when the time is right.
Abandonment refers a parent's choice to have no role in his/her child's life. This includes failure to support the child financially, as well as failure to communicate with the child or have any type of active role in the child's life. Sadly, parental abandonment leaves a child with lingering questions about his or her own self worth. As the remaining parent, you can have a huge impact on your child's self-esteem and ability to cope with the absence of the other parent by being alert to the following effects of abandonment:
Children who have been abandoned may reject everything about the absent parent: In some cases, children who have been abandoned by one parent will make an effort to completely reject him or her. You'll see this when a child expresses the desire to be the exact opposite of the absent parent.
What You Can Do:
Affirm your child's own unique qualities.
Allow your child to share his or her thoughts and opinions.
Instead of arguing over your child's rejection of the absent parent, simply respond with a benign statement, such as "I can understand why you might feel that way right now."
Children who have been abandoned may idealize the absent parent: Some children may over-identify with the absent parent and develop a set of fantasies about him or her which - although they may provide temporary comfort - are not be based in reality.
What You Can Do:
Allow your child to freely verbalize his or her memories of the absent parent.
Avoid the temptation to correct your child's recollections.
Ask open-ended questions to help your child articulate additional details related to his or her memories.
Children who have been abandoned may develop poor self-esteem: Children who have experienced parental abandonment may also be prone to developing poor self-esteem and a sense of shame surrounding the parent's absence. They may even question whether they could have contributed to the absence, whether they somehow "deserved" to be abandoned, or whether the absent parent believes he or she is better off without the "burden" of a child.
What You Can Do:
Be very clear in telling your child, repeatedly, that he or she is not at fault.
Be specific when you praise your child.
Provide opportunities for your child to develop relationships with other adults, whom you trust, who can also convey genuine, positive messages about your child's abilities, character, and contribution to others.
Children who have been abandoned may have difficulty expressing their emotions: Children who have experienced parental abandonment may also have difficulty sharing their feelings. They tend to keep their emotions bottled up and lack the trust necessary to share their true selves with others.
What You Can Do:
When your child does express an emotion, affirm that you still love him - even when he's angry, sad, or frustrated.
Be trustworthy. Make a special effort not to share your child's confidences with friends and acquaintances.
Provide regular opportunities to connect with your child, creating an atmosphere where he or she will be free to open up when the time is right.
dictionary definition of:
abandonment
To withdraw one's support or help from, esp. in spite of duty, allegiance, or responsibility; desert - i.e. to abandon a friend in trouble.
To give up by leaving or ceasing to operate or inhabit, esp. as a result of danger or other impending threat: he abandoned the ship.
To surrender one's claim to, right to, or interest in; give up entirely. Synonym: relinquish
To cease trying to continue; desist from: they abandoned the search for the missing hiker.
To yield (oneself) completely, as to emotion. i.e. I loved him w/wild abandonment. Unbounded enthusiasm; exuberance - A complete surrender of inhibitions
abandonment
To withdraw one's support or help from, esp. in spite of duty, allegiance, or responsibility; desert - i.e. to abandon a friend in trouble.
To give up by leaving or ceasing to operate or inhabit, esp. as a result of danger or other impending threat: he abandoned the ship.
To surrender one's claim to, right to, or interest in; give up entirely. Synonym: relinquish
To cease trying to continue; desist from: they abandoned the search for the missing hiker.
To yield (oneself) completely, as to emotion. i.e. I loved him w/wild abandonment. Unbounded enthusiasm; exuberance - A complete surrender of inhibitions
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